Tips for Caregivers
D Define what you need.
Make a list of the tasks you are currently doing. How much time
do these tasks take? What do you enjoy doing? Which tasks bring you little joy? Which tasks do you dread?
In defining what you need start with the tasks you dread – what help is available? Who else could do this task?
I Use “I” messages.
Call a meeting of the people in your life who need to be part of the decisions about your caregiving. Tell them what you need in the form of an “I” message.
The format for an “I” message is:
I feel (state how you feel) when (describe what is happening). I need (state what would help), because (describe the consequences if nothing changes).
For example:
I feel overwhelmed. It takes 20 hours a week to do the shopping, laundry, cleaning and bill paying for Mom. I need someone to go to the store once a week. I want to hire someone to clean. It would be a big help if someone could take on the bill paying. I am afraid if I don’t get help, I will not be able to continue to care for Mom and we will have to find a place where her needs can be met.
R Be prepared for resistance.
Those around you know you have been able to do the caring up until now. They may feel you are just having a bad day and it will pass. Often the largest amount of resistance comes from the care receiver. You may hear, “No one does it as well as you do and I could never let a stranger come in. Daughters or sons are supposed to care for their parents. I cared for you.” Or they may try to guilt you by saying, “I suppose you want me to go to a
nursing home.”
Explain that you have everyone’s best interests at heart. You actually want to free up time spent on tasks for time spent in pleasurable interaction. Obtaining services can actually allow someone to stay in their own home longer.
E Have a professional evaluate the situation.
A professional care manager can evaluate your loved one and
suggest services to assist you in caregiving. They are trained to
be objective and can give you and the rest of the family a more
realistic view of how much your loved one needs. They are skilled at convincing people and can back you up in getting the help you need. Professionals are able to say things to your loved one that you find difficult to say.
C Communicate.
Besides using “I” messages, ask your loved ones for their input.
Who feels comfortable doing what? How much time can they commit? What does your care receiver think? Would they be willing to try a new arrangement for 3 weeks and then discuss how it is going? Resentment can quickly turn to bitterness if held inside. Learn to say what you need and to ask for help.
T Trust your judgment and Take care of yourself
Learn to listen to your heart. Do what you need to do. Talk to other caregivers. Take a break from being so responsible.
Also
Be informed.
Know where information like investments, bank accounts and tax returns is stored. Know the names of lawyers, bankers and accountants. Locate life insurance policies, birth certificates, social security and Medicare cards. Have names and phone numbers of all physicians. List medications. Complete a health care proxy, living will and durable power of attorney.
Keep track.
Use a journal to track the care recipient’s health and other changes. Make notes about when medication was dispensed and any changes in medical condition. This journal will be helpful during doctor appointments and when other family members ask for updates.
Set limits.
Determine at what point you can no longer care for your care recipient, or at what point you feel she will be unsafe in her own home. For instance, some family caregivers determine that they are uncomfortable providing care when a care recipient becomes incontinent.
Caregiver Quiz: How burned out are you?
How often are you abnormally tired?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you feel short-tempered?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you lose interest in activities that you are usually interested in?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How frequently do you spend at least 15 hours a week caring for your loved one?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you feel isolated?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How frequently do you find yourself eating more (or less), smoking more cigarettes, or using more alcohol or drugs to cope?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you have conflicts with the person that you are caring for?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often is your relationship with your family strained due to care giving issues?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you and your spouse/children argue?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often have you found yourself forgetting appointments or deadlines?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you need help from other family members and you do not receive it?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you suffer from "minor" physical complaints (e.g. headaches, backaches)?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How frequently do you have difficulty making decisions?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
How often do you cry?
0: Never 1: Almost Never 2: Occasionally 3: Somewhat Often 4: Frequently
Scoring
0-17 points indicate that you are coping well.
18-28 points indicate that you are coping adequately but could use assistance.
29-38 points indicate that your coping skills are potentially strained.
39 or more points indicate that you are experiencing caregiver burnout.